Sunday, September 17, 2006
SIX
How could it take care of itself? Helpless, dependent, in need of nurturance, emotional unconditionality. How would it know anything that its creators didn’t?
How could it take care of itself? Helpless, dependent, in need of nurturance, emotional unconditionality. How would it know anything that its creators didn’t?
Saturday, September 16, 2006
FIVE
Like four islands in an archipelago we sat silently around the table. All absorbed in our respective books: a pop-psycho book, a classic, a feminist propaganda and a Fredrick Forsyth bringing up the rear.
The only audio provided by the sizzle of a steak, the periodic flipping of a page, the muttering of other diners in tables across the glass divider and a clatter friendly waiter who seemed obsessive about removing and putting back the perfectly arranged cutlery at the empty tables around us.
Almost by choreography we were taking turns at raising our heads to see each other only to return to our parallel existences: waiting in a liminal space, refusing to bond, showing forced socialization the middle finger.
Actually not true, I wanted to interact, indulge in the joy of conversation: to get out of Canterbury Tales and into the here and now, discuss something of common interest. But with no support from the other three, I resigned to the ice remaining unbroken, dismissed my urge to communicate.
We had worked together for 7 hours that day. Our first engagement ever and there was no guarantee that more would happen. Maybe that was the issue: the lack of foreseeable returns: if I make the effort, what will I get in turn? And since no one was inclined to sell or buy, trading was mutually closed for the day.
:)
Like four islands in an archipelago we sat silently around the table. All absorbed in our respective books: a pop-psycho book, a classic, a feminist propaganda and a Fredrick Forsyth bringing up the rear.
The only audio provided by the sizzle of a steak, the periodic flipping of a page, the muttering of other diners in tables across the glass divider and a clatter friendly waiter who seemed obsessive about removing and putting back the perfectly arranged cutlery at the empty tables around us.
Almost by choreography we were taking turns at raising our heads to see each other only to return to our parallel existences: waiting in a liminal space, refusing to bond, showing forced socialization the middle finger.
Actually not true, I wanted to interact, indulge in the joy of conversation: to get out of Canterbury Tales and into the here and now, discuss something of common interest. But with no support from the other three, I resigned to the ice remaining unbroken, dismissed my urge to communicate.
We had worked together for 7 hours that day. Our first engagement ever and there was no guarantee that more would happen. Maybe that was the issue: the lack of foreseeable returns: if I make the effort, what will I get in turn? And since no one was inclined to sell or buy, trading was mutually closed for the day.
:)
FOUR
Its something I have never felt before. A space I have never been in: a combination of hostility and love, attachment and detachment, proximity and distance, familiarity and newness. Its something I have never known to want. And having never expected it, straight into experiencing it was awesome. Don’t know where this ride is headed, but do know that I want to be on it.
THREE
Maybe I don’t really have much to say: nothing of amazing interest, great contradiction, mind opening relevance. Maybe I was designated audience. Maybe this is the chosen path for me. And those who say I talk too much, maybe they don’t want much to listen anyway.
Like shriveled skin, preferring to retreat than advance, if you don’t seek, I won't tell. You have to buy the ticket to watch the show.
Maybe I don’t really have much to say: nothing of amazing interest, great contradiction, mind opening relevance. Maybe I was designated audience. Maybe this is the chosen path for me. And those who say I talk too much, maybe they don’t want much to listen anyway.
Like shriveled skin, preferring to retreat than advance, if you don’t seek, I won't tell. You have to buy the ticket to watch the show.
TWO
He didn’t like meeting people eye to eye. He was tired of creating acquaintances, friends and non-strangers all the time. And eye connect, he had learnt, was always the first step towards signaling approachability. And once two people took that step towards each other the only way out was rudeness, amputation, look away, see through: chose your term, there is no decent way. So he had decided not to begin the process for the fear that he would need to opt out of it.
This attitude naturally led to a dramatic reduction in the number of his social encounters. Decreasing the chance of him cohabiting new stories. So he increasingly relied on the life before for characters, for drama, for contradictions, for his livelihood.
He didn’t like meeting people eye to eye. He was tired of creating acquaintances, friends and non-strangers all the time. And eye connect, he had learnt, was always the first step towards signaling approachability. And once two people took that step towards each other the only way out was rudeness, amputation, look away, see through: chose your term, there is no decent way. So he had decided not to begin the process for the fear that he would need to opt out of it.
This attitude naturally led to a dramatic reduction in the number of his social encounters. Decreasing the chance of him cohabiting new stories. So he increasingly relied on the life before for characters, for drama, for contradictions, for his livelihood.
ONE
Both got up to walk in and place their orders. She wonders if she should leave her bag behind, looks at the person at the other table. A bald guy, scowling at every one around him, hunched up: a wall, a two way mirror: he saw you but you saw nothing of him… she decided to carry the bag with her.
Little realizing that a few mins ago, she was similarly scrutinized by the same scowler and lost the same benefit of doubt.
Both got up to walk in and place their orders. She wonders if she should leave her bag behind, looks at the person at the other table. A bald guy, scowling at every one around him, hunched up: a wall, a two way mirror: he saw you but you saw nothing of him… she decided to carry the bag with her.
Little realizing that a few mins ago, she was similarly scrutinized by the same scowler and lost the same benefit of doubt.
